confunded

i am so confused. i dont know which way is up anymore. everything i thought was set is not.

what is real life? im living two lives right now. college and home. neither seem real.

since when did going to bed at 2am mean going to bed early?

my brain hurts. i feel like there is so much i don't understand.

why are you talking to me now?
i think i want you to stop.

who are you?

i love you.


enough of my rambling nonsense. i just dont know anymore.

today i made the analogy that my brain is like a murky swamp whirl pool filled with fish.

this is my third consecutive night being awake and on the Vern past 3 am with no intention of leaving anytime soon.

i often find that when i am listening to a song i pretend my life is like the one being sung about. this leads to interesting lifestyle arrangement when i put my ipod on shuffle.

while i am totally stressed out about classes and finals, i think i am handling it well and am generally in an optimistic mood. things in life aren't half bad.

i need to post more often. sorry you all, ill get better.

should i be a house proctor next year? i cant decide.

i should go back to trying to study.
live. love. laugh. peace.

humans are good

i find that i love rain. but only on my terms. right now it is crazy raining. like torrential downpour. i actually wouldn't mind this, but now i dont want to walk to my next class. i like this kind of rain when i can go out and enjoy it and dance in it.  i don't like sitting through class where i am soaked through my underwear. so i sing
rain rain go away come a gain another day


i find i am making excuses, subconsciously, to see my parents. i dont know how i could have forgotten so many things at home otherwise. I feel like every week i have to meet up with either my mom or my dad to have them bring me something i forgot.

speaking about me being careless and forgetful...

i feel like this is the most embarrassing story ever, but since i am only writing to my blog constituents, and that only consists of two people, its okay.

on saturday, i get back to my dorm after eating lunch on the Vern, and i realize i have lost my gworld/room key. they were on a keychain together. so then i trek all the way back to the Vern. and the bus was all screwed up, so it took about an hour and a half instead of hte usual 15 minutes. i get there, search absolutely everywhere. like literally, i was looking under every rock and behind every tree. what do you know, i can't find it. So in the midst of my freaking out, i go, cancel the gworld (it has a lot of money on it), and cry a little.

quickly i get over it, and i go get ready to go out for the night. i tell you, it was a FUN night. anyways i wake up the next morning, reach into my purse, and realize something is missing. My metro card, license, and debit card are missing. Now let me make it clear that this group of lost items is completely unrelated to the first. i had these while i was looking for the first set. Now let me ask any reasonable person: how the hell does someone lose all of their most valuable possessions in one day, in unrelated events?

so sunday morning i was sitting in my room with absolutely no form of identification, and absolutely no money.

not to worry, mommy and daddy came and took my to lunch (perks of being close!) and gave me some cash, and helped me cancel my cards.

then monday afternoon, i stop by the UPD office, and sure enough, good Samaritans out there had turned in all of my belongings!
o happy day! my life is not over!
the sun shone brighter, the clouds fluffier, the sky bluer.
i walked back home from the upd building with a giant smile plastered on my face.

i have a new respect for humankind. some of them do look out for others and do the right thing. thank you anonymous good people!

america's got NO talent

is it possible to have no talent? because i don't. while i would love to be good at something, the fact that i am talentless does not phase me too much. my not caring that i am essentially a failure is probably what worries me more...

but seriously, what am i good at?

first possibility: sports.
i am the most unathletic person in the history of the planet. i have no hand-eye coordination, no strength, no speed, no drive. i can't jump high, or be flexible. i can't balance and i can't be aggressive.
i took ballet so i could wear the tutu
on the soccer field i picked daisies and put them in my hair
i took jazz to be with my friends
in basketball i hid behind the person guarding me
in softball i just didnt swing and prayed for balls
field hockey was probably my best sport... but unfortunately that didnt last long.

in middle school we had to run the mile every week. my time in the beginning of 7th grade was approximately an 11 minute mile. my time by the end of 8th grade was 15 minute. thats not right. thats not normal. the idea is improvement. luckily, after having a break over the summer, i was able to get it back to UNDER 10 in 9th grade.

okay, so sports are not my thing. i think im allergic to athletic activity, actually. my ears pound, my body goes numb, my head hurts, and i cramp up. sports should be shunned.


alright, so maybe i should try music. i love listening to the radio, and drumming out the beats to my favorite song. i am tone deaf though, i should probably add.
4th grade i started the violin. i played until 7th grade, and faked my practice sheets every week.
7th grade my mom took me to a private lesson, and the mean man yelled at me and told my mother i didn't know how to read notes. after 4 years.
then i tried piano. i just memorized the songs an what keys to press when. apparently that doesnt count as playing though.
in 6th grade i was the only one in my class whose name wasnt on the 6th grade chorus list. Mrs. Quarrels    just told me it was an accident... right.
last week i was rocking out to the radio with my best friend, and she told me to just stop.
i know my voice is bad, but... i mean... not THAT bad.... right? wrong. my family and friends only laugh.

no american idol for me. i am destined for really drunk karaoke. if that.


okay im not going to go through every possible talent out there. but i think you get the point. im not artistic or inventive. Im not creative or especially intelligent. im not good at languages, and i am not very funny. and obviously, i have not musical or athletic capabilities. it would be nice to be good at something. but im not too angry about it.

every day

let me tell you about my life

every day ( during the week):
i wake up, begrudgingly, early
i go to starbucks and get a tall iced carmel machiato with skim milk and a classic coffee cake
i got to class, and sometimes nap
i sometimes get lunch with anthony
i go to the rest of my classes
i get a cookie
i go on facebook- this takes up approximately 75% of the day
i get another cookie
i eat dinner- sometimes just peanut butter and more cookies. sometimes pasta.
i attempt to do some homework
i call/skype/facebook chat a friend/family member
i make nachos with stale chips that are blue
i watch an obscene number of youtube videos
i watch an tv show that i watch on the given night
i kick myself for being unproductive
i try for some more homework
i do sit ups because i had to many cookies today
i make more nachos because CORNchips and cheese are good for you
i eat a cookie, realize it was the last one, and i make more with one of my roommates. (not the witch)
i watch the witch get mad because we almost used her eggs to make the cookies
i watch the witch eat one of the cookies we made with our eggs
i let the witch step on me
i eat a cookie
i vent on facebook chat about the witch
i try for more homework, end up with more youtube
sometimes i go to the Vern
sometimes i dont come back
i go to be circa 3am


then repeat.

no one ever taught me how to survive

i don't think i am doing it right. college. i am not having a bad time. I just don't think i am going at it the right way.

summing up everything

i hate having so much time on my hands
i hate myself for ever creating a facebook account. I have no self control
i hate that i have no self control
i hate how expensive things are
i hate not being good at making friends
i hate having an obsession with disney movies and harry potter
i hate that in my sub conscious, school is not a priority
i hate songs and movies that end in happy endings
i hate that my dreams are scary, but im not scared
i hate hypocrisy, yet i am just as guilty as anyone else
i hate that i am not more outgoing
i hate that i have no talent
i hate that i don't have a lot of friends
i hate that i am writing a depressing blog post
i hate that that doesn't make me stop
i hate getting zits because i am stressed out
i hate when my hair doesnt cooperate
i hate when inspirational songs come on the radio when i feel grumpy
i hate the way people dance int he 21st century
i hate blogging
i hate how far away i feel from everything familiar
i hate how close i am to home and safety
i hate that i can't loose enough weight to really feel good about myself
i hate hot days
i hate being prude. even though i am not, i give off that persona for some reason
i hate that i don't wear enough make up
i hate that my nails are chipping
i hate all the song on my itunes right now
i hate that i don't make friends easily
i hate that i will have more to hate then to love


i love my best friends
i love my family
i love the few friends i have made here
i love GW in general- being in the city, classes, ect
i love bagels, snickers, and twix. the food and the animals
i love that i am seeing some of my friends soon

thats about it

life continues.. imagine that concept

i can't decide if i like college. I like the idea, the freedom, the independence. I can come in at 3 am completely wasted, and my mother wont even know. Not that i am doing that exactly... but in theory, i can do whatever i want. I have hours of time on my hand, and no one reminds me that it shouldn't be spent playing games or watching movies. is that a positive or negative? I am not sure. I like the lack of authority, but i require structure to survive. Everything is too lackadaisical here. Yes i had to look up how to spell lackadaisical. I'd like to say i looked it up in my new dictionary.. but no, i looked it up online. we have made life to easy in our society. I should talk about that in my next sociology essay.... i could also discuss the importance of ranting tangents. Is there an importance? I think it makes life more exciting and unknown. It doesn't matter anyways because no one reads this blog. As i said, this is for me. Like a journal, but im too lazy to actually find my notebook and write out my feelings there. This is easier because i was already on the computer and i dont have to move from my chair.

But life is not super easy. I am juggling school and the temptations of procrastination (which i am unfortunately falling for. this hour i was supposed to be studying for a geology test...). Boys and wanting to go out and have fun is also in the mix. I want to join clubs, i need tog et straight a's. I had to drop a class because it was too hard. there is actually a longer, more boring story.. but its not important now.

I didn't think to bring tube socks to college. its such a random thing, but come on i should have known. I also dont know where life is going with this one boy. he definitely likes me, and i like him. but obviously im not going to ask him to define what we have here. But i am curious. im not used to this, i dont know what the formalities are. i guess ill figure it out with time :)

i need to make new friends. I basically have one really good friend, and then a handful of getting to be good friends, and then a bunch of acquaintances. Side note: i just looked up 'acquaintances' in my actual paper dictionary. But, because i fail at life, i couldn't find it, and had to look online. who knew about that aCq? not me.anyways, back on topic, i need friends. im supposed to make my best friends while at college, and so far that is not looking to promising. Ill put myself out there a little more. good plan.

speaking about best friends, i feel like i want to talk to my best friends from home all the time. like im just dying to spend hours on the phone with them and talk about everything. I feel like its been forever since we did. BUT i am restraining myself. I know they are in there own lives, and I feel like i am just bothering them when i call, or want to talk for a long time. They are always just heading out... well some of them. I dont know.

i feel like the only reason I am in here, in college, is because thats what i am supposed to do. Then im supposed to graduate, go to grad school, and then get a good job. My problem is that i can't actually picture myself in that situation. i mean it is probably what i will end up doing. I am not out there enough or definitive enough in what i want to do otherwise. I mean i have no idea what i actually want. I know i will be depressed if i wind up in some boring 9-5 office job.  But trust me, i understand the importance of making money. You can do more with your life if you can live comfortably. Not millionaire, though that would be nice, but just a comfortable life. I dont want to have to life pay check to pay check. That would leave me no life outside of work.

i think my resolve is to do something crazy. I will let you all know how it goes and what it is when i decide.

off to class, yay

one week down, 51 to go...

Today is wednesday, and i find myself one week into my life as a college student. my friends are all having  a great time in college. they are meeting new people, finding cute boys, exploring there new cities, and having the time of their lives. Not going to lie, i feel slightly left out. i should be doing that too, right? i want all of those freshman college experiences. I can't decide what the problem is. either its me being thrown out of my comfort zone (which is totally possible) of my very weird roommate situation.
let me try to explain this int he most objective, fact only way possible.
(names are changed for my amusement)
Miriam got here on wednesday, the same day as me. I got here first, and got the obviously best bed set up. when she gets here, she picks the best bed, and then the better of two basically equal desks. the one she picked, though, is in the opposite corner of her bed. things go great for the next few days. Miriam is nice, though probably the most judgmental person i have ever met. she makes it clear that she hates drinking, smoking, drugs, partying, and basically everything to do with the dorm building we are in and the expected college life. And she has already made it clear that she will hate (though has yet to meet) our third roommate, Salt.

Salt arrives on saturday, unknowing that she already has an enemy in Miriam.  Salt is all about the Jersey Shore essence. she wears the cloths, does the hair, drinks, and smokes. basically, she could be a lot of fun. And, she is nice. we could be friends, and i could be having the party life i had planned on.
So anyways, she comes in to move her stuff in with her mother and sister. When they get there, they realize that miriam oddly took the desk next to Salt's bed, and left the desk next to miriam's bed for Salt. (let me know if your not fallowing me here, it is kind of confusing).

Salt's mom and sister ask Miriam if she wouldnt mind switching desks to make things easier, and give each person there own personal space. Miriam, very angry to be bothered with such a task, said back very coldly and angrily, no i iwll not  do that
then a war began

Salt's mom vs. Miriam
dun dun dun
Salt's mom was raising her voice and calling Miriam rude.
Miriam kept shouting back, no. and being rude.
Miriam goes outside, and tells her mother that Salt's mom is harassing her.

i know what you are thinking. calling someone rude from across the room is definitely a valid form of harassment. you are also thinking wtf, they are arguing over a desk.  well, that is what i was thinking when the cops show up sayign who called the police?!

can you believe that this ends well? well it doesnt.
Salt's mom had to be escorted out of the building by the police because Miriam didnt feel safe with her in there.

i am standing in the room witnessing this the entire time.

Salt now, obviously, hates Miriam. I would too if she called the police on my mother.

now my room is incredibly awkward, and both Salt and Miriam want the other to move out. Personally, i want Salt to stay. I like her!

but im not a mean person, and Miriam thinks we are friends.

Miriam also says she wants to call the cops if there is alcohol or drugs in the room.

no funnnnn.

anyways, i will update the public who regularly check my blog on the ever changing roommate drama in thurston 631

i must go now and meet some more normal people for dinner!

ps sorry that was excessively long.

be something

i want my life to have meaning, however cliche that sounds. i don't necessarily have to be remembered for eternity (though that would be cool..) but i want to do something that impacts others. I only have one life to live, and i don't want to waste it. I know its not too late or anything, i mean i am 18, but i feel like i haven't really done anything yet. i've done small time charity work. i want to directly change the lives of others. I don't just want to send money, and i don't want to be all talk and no game. i need to figure out what i am passionate about, and how i can actually make a difference. i want a life worth living. my mission: figure out what i can d to leave a footprint.

the end is scary. breathe in and out, in and out.

This is my first blog post ever, and it is a bit odd.. i will give it my best.

It feels so weird. The summer is almost over, and everything i have ever known will be changing. My friends will all be scattered across the country. No more late movie nights at Emily's house, or chinese take-out at mine. No more all trying to fit on one twin sized bed, and no more kristen's mom catching sarah and ross in the closet. No more spending the day tanning at the pool with the people i love. No more puzzles with elena and no more farkle with nick. No more shopping with mother or hiking with dad. No more being dependent of my parents, my family, or my friends. It will be the first time im ever alone in a new place. I'll be honest, i am scared. I know millions of kids go off to college every year, and millions of adults graduate. But am i really becoming one of them? They seem to be so much older then i am, so much more educated and learned in the ways of the world. i can't even fathom how i will survive.

Time is so daunting. in just 8 days, one of my best friends may be leaving my life forever. then in 9, the next, and in 10 the next, and finally, in 11 days, i will be sitting here in my house alone. Well, until of course i leave an entire week later. And my sister is leaving early before me as well. I fear i will miss her the most.

And yes, i know. There are so many ways to communicate now with phone calls and texts and skype and facebook. But its not the same as seeing somebody every day. I am scared we will all come back for thanksgiving break different.

The future is so uncertain, i don't want to just jump in head first, eyes closed. Upon saying that, i am incredibly excited for college and all the nuances that come with it. i just feel like im going at it alone, and that scares me.
breathe in and out, in and out, slowly.. 2 weeks will be here before i know it and i want to cherish every minute.