I have been trying, desperately, since the last weekend of august, to just let go and cry and scream and kick and have emotion. I have been waiting, trying, getting nothing. Something is wrong inside me.
people say I have changes this year from last year. I think they are right, im just trying to figure out which me is better, and which me is real. I don't see the point of things right now. everything seems so trivial. I feel like this entire semester has had a fog over it, been surreal.
I dont even know what I am talking about, I don't like talking about real things. Real things are too confusing.
I know this. I value relationships: friends, family. And I value being a good person, whatever that means on a personal level gets ambiguous. But thats it. Im not sure of anything else I value unconditionally. I find it is hard to keep up a relationship with people who have different values from me.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
catching up
I have many faults. One in particular, I am always afraid of looking stupid. Which is so stupid in itself. i am afraid of doing something stupid, attempting something that by failing will make me look stupid, talking to people who don't want to talk to me, in case they judge me. thinking people like me, in case they dont. letting people get to me, because then it is proof i liked them and they didn't reciprocate the love. then I just feel stupid. so i let things blow off, continue as normal, and die inside. Maybe thats also why I relish attention. i love it when someone unexpected shows interest in me, but i don't loose myself to them. Maybe temporarily, but I have to be able to brush them off when it ends. i have to.
i want to find someone who loves me, who i can love, who i can just know, this is it, this is the guy im going to live happily ever after and grow old with. im not patient.
P.S. I want I'll Be There by Jackson 5 to play at my Wedding. Maybe father daughter dance?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
the hurricane
Hurricane Irene hit last night. It was kind of a joke, but 2 trees did fall down.. one right into the library and starbucks! Starbucks is closed! i may die.
My story:
And god said let the rain fall from the heavens and wash me away, and I unzipped my jacket and pulled off my hood and embraced what the good lord sent to me.
And then god said let it be a hurricane to rattle your insides! And thats when god created the romance novel and the pillow pet.
But god wasn't finished yet. Lastly god said let the trees and the buildings come crashing down in your wake. And so i jumped puddle to puddle, splashing my way through the streets leaving a trail of destruction.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
one more thing.
im not the kind of person who thinks people need to earn my respect. I will give anybody my respect initially. but, if you do things to lose my respect, then you are going to have to work at gaining it back. you can't just expect it unconditionally.
a long time later...
its been forever, i will be a little rusty.
im going to write, and not delete anything.
the things that have been occurring:
We had 3 fish, they died suddenly and all within 24 hours. i'm suspecting the culprit resides inside the new fish food my sister just bought. She was sad at first, as the only person who actually became attached to the rather taciturn pets. When I told friends of the news, most laughed. I am not sure why fish get such a bad rap.
I move back in to school in a week and a half. I can not wait to get out of here, but I am a little apprehensive as to how the year will unfold.
I made a new friend at football practice. A mother, 2 boys. I like our conversations so much that I stay sometimes half an hour past what is asked of me. I find her fascinating, and she takes real interest in me.
I wish certain people would stop putting so much pressure on me. And then, I wish some people would put more. I don't know how to handle this predicament.
Queen was wrong. There are plenty people to love. We dont need somebody to love, we need somebody to love us. But i tried, and, the melody doesn't work as well.
i want it to all be easy. i want to fast forward, and just glimpse that it all works out. when will time travel finally be invented?
i wish i knew what i wanted to do with my life, and how to achieve it. but i dont, much to many peoples dismay.
sometimes, and i do not intend to frighten or scare as this is all figurative, i want to take a knife and slice myself open to my core, and let all the emotions and thoughts out to roam free. They've been hidden inside for too long, they are screaming to feel the sun, see the world. But then I remember that that is impossible, and I stitch myself up, suppress the screams with a lock and throw away the key. its not important anyway. this isnt referring to anything specific. never mind, forget I said that.
i listen to songs, country songs in particular and pretend they are about my life. 3 minutes of happiness each.
the fish are dead and nobody cares
help me
im going to write, and not delete anything.
the things that have been occurring:
We had 3 fish, they died suddenly and all within 24 hours. i'm suspecting the culprit resides inside the new fish food my sister just bought. She was sad at first, as the only person who actually became attached to the rather taciturn pets. When I told friends of the news, most laughed. I am not sure why fish get such a bad rap.
I move back in to school in a week and a half. I can not wait to get out of here, but I am a little apprehensive as to how the year will unfold.
I made a new friend at football practice. A mother, 2 boys. I like our conversations so much that I stay sometimes half an hour past what is asked of me. I find her fascinating, and she takes real interest in me.
I wish certain people would stop putting so much pressure on me. And then, I wish some people would put more. I don't know how to handle this predicament.
Queen was wrong. There are plenty people to love. We dont need somebody to love, we need somebody to love us. But i tried, and, the melody doesn't work as well.
i want it to all be easy. i want to fast forward, and just glimpse that it all works out. when will time travel finally be invented?
i wish i knew what i wanted to do with my life, and how to achieve it. but i dont, much to many peoples dismay.
sometimes, and i do not intend to frighten or scare as this is all figurative, i want to take a knife and slice myself open to my core, and let all the emotions and thoughts out to roam free. They've been hidden inside for too long, they are screaming to feel the sun, see the world. But then I remember that that is impossible, and I stitch myself up, suppress the screams with a lock and throw away the key. its not important anyway. this isnt referring to anything specific. never mind, forget I said that.
i listen to songs, country songs in particular and pretend they are about my life. 3 minutes of happiness each.
the fish are dead and nobody cares
help me
Sunday, February 27, 2011
an update on my life
i know its been a while.. like over 2 months. i am sorry, but i have an excuse. I was given a journal over winter break, and i had been writing in there about my, o, so fascinating life. but I have realized that I must keep up both forms of expression as we are indeed in a digital age, and everything that is anything must happen vie electronics. But, in a desperate crusade to save the print age, I will write in my little notebook as well. two of anything is better then one :)
now let the ranting commence!
So i have a new roommate. She is like 4'11", bright blonde hair, a cheerleader, very hyper. I like her.. she is easy to live with and very sweet. BUT she seems to go through weird phases.. one minute she is non stop chatter about something very personal that I am not allowed to tell anyone (okay, i just met you?), and then two minutes later she is asleep. like, i dont know whether to talk or not because one minute she is sleeping the next she is not. i just don't understand. but i do like her. Maria likes her too. i think that makes things better.
speaking of maria.. she wanted to room with me next year, but I want to do something different. I actually have a good friend who i want to room with and all, and she agreed, but there is a chance she will transfer next year.. :/ i dont know what to do, i guess eventually all will work itself out!
i am pledging a fraternity! i know.. you want to say "you mean sorority" but no, its a coed frat. Alpha Phi Omega is a service frat, and notable alumni include both clintons, Michelle Obama, Bush number 1, and several other presidents,.. ya. So im thinking of walking up to the white house, knocking on the door and being like brother michelle (yes we are all brothers, regardless of actual gender)! the secret service wouldnt take out one of her brothers would they???
i am so excited to be going to honduras! im kind of nervous... but overall stoked. i just cant wait to experience another culture and rough it a bit. im going to be digging ditches and stuff, idk if i can even do that. I am not exactly strong. i like to pretend i am all muscle.. but no.
so... last night i brought THE BOY back home to vienna for dinner with the family. that was interesting.. i think they like him better then me. my mom went slightly over the top.. bringing out the nice plates and setting the dinning room table. i think i was more nervous then anyone else, but not cause they wouldnt like him.. more because they would all get together and embarrass me... actually i don't know why i was nervous. i already new my family liked him. whatever.. i like him a lot and thats what matters.. i like having a boyfriend.. why did i wait so long? i should have had boyfriends all through high school goddamnit!
i like country music more then ever. just saying.
in APO, we have to interview the brotehrs, and we need a signature question. mine is: what song do you wish described your life? my answer is Girl All The Bad Guys Want by Bowling for Soup. Is that weird? no..
every day my room gets messier and i get angrier. damnnn. everyday i study less and the pile of books next to my bed grows.
i love , after checking the mail out of habit every day, i get a letter at the end of the week <3 it makes my checking worthwhile.
guilty pleasure: reading postsecret every sunday. also, looking up top 40 songs from the 90's and early 2000's, and finding old loves, then downloading them from mediafire. WEEZY
im grossed out by the amount of hair on the floor of my room. its repulsive. but ill vacuum later. i'm busy now..
i want to go to the butterfly gardens so badly.
i dont really like nutella.. its too weird for me.
my mom made noodle pudding for me!!!!!
i could eat a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch and milk for every meal for the rest of my life.
i dont understand.. taking the stairs to the 6th floor is supposed to get easier.
new orleans= the best. i want to go back right now. like, right now.
i can not wait to see my friends.. home friends. i dont like beign so far away from them. some i will see over spring break NEXT WEEK but too many will have to wait till summer. fkkkkk
this is my train of thought.. o god.
i promise to write more often. peace out.
and listen to It Wasn't Me by weezy.
-we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor-
now let the ranting commence!
So i have a new roommate. She is like 4'11", bright blonde hair, a cheerleader, very hyper. I like her.. she is easy to live with and very sweet. BUT she seems to go through weird phases.. one minute she is non stop chatter about something very personal that I am not allowed to tell anyone (okay, i just met you?), and then two minutes later she is asleep. like, i dont know whether to talk or not because one minute she is sleeping the next she is not. i just don't understand. but i do like her. Maria likes her too. i think that makes things better.
speaking of maria.. she wanted to room with me next year, but I want to do something different. I actually have a good friend who i want to room with and all, and she agreed, but there is a chance she will transfer next year.. :/ i dont know what to do, i guess eventually all will work itself out!
i am pledging a fraternity! i know.. you want to say "you mean sorority" but no, its a coed frat. Alpha Phi Omega is a service frat, and notable alumni include both clintons, Michelle Obama, Bush number 1, and several other presidents,.. ya. So im thinking of walking up to the white house, knocking on the door and being like brother michelle (yes we are all brothers, regardless of actual gender)! the secret service wouldnt take out one of her brothers would they???
i am so excited to be going to honduras! im kind of nervous... but overall stoked. i just cant wait to experience another culture and rough it a bit. im going to be digging ditches and stuff, idk if i can even do that. I am not exactly strong. i like to pretend i am all muscle.. but no.
so... last night i brought THE BOY back home to vienna for dinner with the family. that was interesting.. i think they like him better then me. my mom went slightly over the top.. bringing out the nice plates and setting the dinning room table. i think i was more nervous then anyone else, but not cause they wouldnt like him.. more because they would all get together and embarrass me... actually i don't know why i was nervous. i already new my family liked him. whatever.. i like him a lot and thats what matters.. i like having a boyfriend.. why did i wait so long? i should have had boyfriends all through high school goddamnit!
i like country music more then ever. just saying.
in APO, we have to interview the brotehrs, and we need a signature question. mine is: what song do you wish described your life? my answer is Girl All The Bad Guys Want by Bowling for Soup. Is that weird? no..
every day my room gets messier and i get angrier. damnnn. everyday i study less and the pile of books next to my bed grows.
i love , after checking the mail out of habit every day, i get a letter at the end of the week <3 it makes my checking worthwhile.
guilty pleasure: reading postsecret every sunday. also, looking up top 40 songs from the 90's and early 2000's, and finding old loves, then downloading them from mediafire. WEEZY
im grossed out by the amount of hair on the floor of my room. its repulsive. but ill vacuum later. i'm busy now..
i want to go to the butterfly gardens so badly.
i dont really like nutella.. its too weird for me.
my mom made noodle pudding for me!!!!!
i could eat a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch and milk for every meal for the rest of my life.
i dont understand.. taking the stairs to the 6th floor is supposed to get easier.
new orleans= the best. i want to go back right now. like, right now.
i can not wait to see my friends.. home friends. i dont like beign so far away from them. some i will see over spring break NEXT WEEK but too many will have to wait till summer. fkkkkk
this is my train of thought.. o god.
i promise to write more often. peace out.
and listen to It Wasn't Me by weezy.
-we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor-
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