losing my mind

I have been trying, desperately, since the last weekend of august, to just let go and cry and scream and kick and have emotion. I have been waiting, trying, getting nothing. Something is wrong inside me.

people say I have changes this year from last year. I think they are right, im just trying to figure out which me is better, and which me is real. I don't see the point of things right now. everything seems so trivial. I feel like this entire semester has had a fog over it, been surreal.

I dont even know what I am talking about, I don't like talking about real things. Real things are too confusing.

I know this. I value relationships: friends, family. And I value being a good person, whatever that means on a personal level gets ambiguous. But thats it. Im not sure of anything else I value unconditionally. I find it is hard to keep up a relationship with people who have different values from me.

catching up

I have many faults. One in particular, I am always afraid of looking stupid. Which is so stupid in itself. i am afraid of doing something stupid, attempting something that by failing will make me look stupid, talking to people who don't want to talk to me, in case they judge me. thinking people like me, in case they dont. letting people get to me, because then it is proof i liked them and they didn't reciprocate the love. then I just feel stupid. so i let things blow off, continue as normal, and die inside. Maybe thats also why I relish attention. i love it when someone unexpected shows interest in me, but i don't loose myself to them. Maybe temporarily, but I have to be able to brush them off when it ends. i have to. 

i want to find someone who loves me, who i can love, who i can just know, this is it, this is the guy im going to live happily ever after and grow old with. im not patient.

P.S. I want I'll Be There by Jackson 5 to play at my Wedding. Maybe father daughter dance?

354 Days

I don't understand what that leaves

something amazing i stumbled upon

http://fiftypeopleonequestion.com/

the hurricane

Hurricane Irene hit last night. It was kind of a joke, but 2 trees did fall down.. one right into the library and starbucks! Starbucks is closed! i may die.

My story:

And god said let the rain fall from the heavens and wash me away, and I unzipped my jacket and pulled off my hood and embraced what the good lord sent to me. 

And then god said let it be a hurricane to rattle your insides! And thats when god created the romance novel and the pillow pet. 

But god wasn't finished yet. Lastly god said let the trees and the buildings come crashing down in your wake. And so i jumped puddle to puddle, splashing my way through the streets leaving a trail of destruction. 

one more thing.

im not the kind of person who thinks people need to earn my respect. I will give anybody my respect initially. but, if you do things to lose my respect, then you are going to have to work at gaining it back. you can't just expect it unconditionally.

a long time later...

its been forever, i will be a little rusty.
im going to write, and not delete anything.

the things that have been occurring:

We had 3 fish, they died suddenly and all within 24 hours. i'm suspecting the culprit resides inside the new fish food my sister just bought. She was sad at first, as the only person who actually became attached to the rather taciturn pets.  When I told friends of the news, most laughed. I am not sure why fish get such a bad rap.

I move back in to school in a week and a half. I can not wait to get out of here, but I am a little apprehensive as to how the year will unfold.

I made a new friend at football practice. A mother, 2 boys. I like our conversations so much that I stay sometimes half an hour past what is asked of me. I find her fascinating, and she takes real interest in me.

I wish certain people would stop putting so much pressure on me. And then, I wish some people would put more. I don't know how to handle this predicament.

Queen was wrong. There are plenty people to love. We dont need somebody to love, we need somebody to love us. But i tried, and, the melody doesn't work as well.

i want it to all be easy.  i want to fast forward, and just glimpse that it all works out.  when will time travel finally be invented?

i wish i knew what i wanted to do with my life, and how to achieve it. but i dont, much to many peoples dismay.

sometimes, and i do not intend to frighten or scare as this is all figurative, i want to take a knife and slice myself open to my core, and let all the emotions and thoughts out to roam free. They've been hidden inside for too long, they are screaming to feel the sun, see the world. But then I remember that that is impossible, and I stitch myself up, suppress the screams with a lock and throw away the key. its not important anyway. this isnt referring to anything specific. never mind, forget I said that.

i listen to songs, country songs in particular and pretend they are about my life. 3 minutes of happiness each.

the fish are dead and nobody cares

help me